Heck No Pooh's Adventures

Psyga's General Blog: Psyga Reads Sonic's Final Destination Five

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Fans of the Heck No, Pooh’s Adventures tumblr may have encountered the horror that is Molly the Hedgehog. For those who don’t, allow me to explain. You know those many Sonic fan characters that are very easy and lazy to make? Well, this is a variant, as someone took a character from a well known franchise and turned them into a hedgehog… A hedgehogification, if you will. The franchise? Final Destination. Yeah, the franchise known for the gruesome deaths brought on by sheer idiocy that doesn’t involve a serial killer… Unless you count Death as one…

Anyways, it seems that a crossover between Sonic and the Final Destination franchise must be made. But not just any old style crossover where both canons are mixed into a blender, no. That’s too obvious. I’m of course talking about Sonic going through the events of the fifth Final Destination film. So, how does Molly fit into all this? Do Sonic and his friends do anything remotely interesting? Well, let’s find out!

Our story begins with this smug git being informed that there’s more than seven Princesses of Heart. That should raise some warning flags right there. I mean, you know you got a Mary Sue in your hands when she’s part of a group that has all of their members accounted for. Thing is, unlike your average Kingdom Hearts fanfic, this princess isn’t an original character or even a self insert. Instead, it’s a character by the name of Molly Harper, who happens to be one of the main characters in the movie. Eradicus, or as I like to call him, Epic Aztec Birdman, orders his goons to go kill Molly’s friends and then kidnap her. Why kill her friends is never established. I mean, just kidnap her. That’s it. There’s no more to it than that. Epic Aztec Birdman goes on vacation while he relies on his goons to do the dirty work for him. Now, this is a pretty interesting idea. Most Pooh’s Adventures villains have the plan of just sticking to a villain and doing nothing but be menacing and sic disposable minions at the heroes. Here, Eradicus actually has some plans for once. Mind you, it’s a little more complex than it needed to be, but hey, it’s better than just shouting at villains to do the obvious.

However, Eradicus’ goons are as lazy as any Pooh’s Adventures character and hire Death to do their dirty work. Yes. They hire Death. Oh, and he’s a Heartless and not an actual entity. Hey, kids, when your grandmother is knocking on death’s door, just grab a key and wait for Death to come so you can whack him with it. Anyways, the story goes as before, Death hatches an over-the-top disaster that the heroes successfully avoid, and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Okay, seriously?

Sonic and the others, Nancy, a mysterious hedgehog who has a crush on Sonic, June, a goofy cat, Thomas, Eradicus’ former minion, Pedro and Nico, two birds who come from Rio, Eric Needles, Maximan’s sidekick, Trevor Troublemyer, Eric’s best friend, Vana Glammer, Kitty Ko, Gumball Watterson, Darwin Watterson, Gumball’s brother and best friend, Lucario, Conan, Rachel, Conkers, Tails, Sonic’s best buddy, Shadow, Sonic’s rival and friend, and Yin and Yang, along with new members, Dudley Puppy and Kitty Katswell, T.U.F.F Agents…

SERIOUSLY? That’s about twenty three characters! I know Pooh’s Adventures is required by some sort of law to have so many characters that Tite Kubo would be like “Dude! That’s too much!” but look at how Final Destination does it! It’s only a handful of characters, easily more than half the size! And that’s beforethey die off one by one! Why is it necessary to have this many characters? Why? Not to mention that taking up a huge chunk is this damned image!

What the fuck does it have to do with anything related to the movie? It’s just a goddamned smile! THAT’S IT! WAS IT NECESSARY TO INCLUDE THAT!? At least with the image with Sonic, there’s at least somerelation with the plot at hand, here it’s just “Gumball’s weird smile.” AND THAT’S IT!

Screw it, let’s keep going. So yeah, the funny thing about having Death for a psycho for hire is that he won’t. stop. killing. Seriously, what was going through the minds of Eradicus’ goons? They need Molly alive so they can kidnap her. Hiring someone who is known for killing people that survive its deathtraps doesn’t make sense. Yes, it’s been pointed out in the film that Molly is the only one that isn’t dead by the end of Sam’s vision, but remember that Sam was dying by the time his vision ended, so it could be that he just died and his vision ended with Molly’s fate undecided. Regardless, Molly is on Death’s list now, and like Bludworth said, Death doesn’t like to be cheated. I’d love to see Eradicus’ reaction to this when he gets back.

Eradicus: So… Let me get this straight: Instead of doing the jobs yourselves, you hire an unstoppable killing psychopath to kill everyone in the hopes that he spares the one we wanted alive. Even though he’s known for being an unstoppable killing psychopath.

Rubber Chucky:Well, you see sir, you wanted her friends dead before she was kidnapped, so we just decided to get a guy who would just murder anyone in his path and then kidnap Molly in the process.

Eradicus: Ah. I see, and tell me, where is Molly now?

Rubber Chucky: Well, you see… She’s…

Eradicus: I’ll tell you where: IN THE FREAKING MORGUE! YOU PEOPLE MAKE LOUSY MINIONS! PACK UP YOUR THINGS, BECAUSE YOU’RE FIRED!

Anyways, Sonic meets up with Molly and Molly tells him to ‘hid’ from Sam. Why is never established, but I like to imagine that Molly doesn’t want to traumatize Sam more by showing him talking hedgehogs and other assorted creatures. In a shocking turn of events, it seems we have a subplot in this crossover, much like the Spongebob’s Adventures series. One of the many characters spots Sonic in a strange color and look. Sonic, meanwhile, oversees the first death, then leaves. During the second death, he’s in the massage room moving around stuff. As it turns out, Sonic has a deep dark form known as Death Sonic… You know, it would make more sense if Sonic was made into a Servant of Death? Something that was established in the Final Destination Universe? Oh wait, Pooh’s Adventures, where they dishonor all sides of canon.

So because Molly, despite not dying in the vision, is pretty much on the death list as the rest of the FD cast are, Tails decides to have Nancy, Kitty Katswell, and Dudley disguised as Molly. I repeat: a hedgehog, a cat, and a dog are disguising themselves as a human. Remind me how the fuck this is possible? If it’s holograms, then sure, I can buy it, but if it’s what I am thinking it is and it’s the Paper Thin Disguise trope, I’m going to massage my head, since that is a very stupid plan. Not to mention that it kind of fails anyways, since Peter, one of the FD characters, snaps and tries to kill Molly… Yeah, long story short, Bludworth trolls the main characters into thinking that if they kill someone, they can take their remaining days on Earth.

Death Sonic assists Peter and they mop the floor. Eradicus’ goons arrive to try and fight, but as soon as they are hit, they retreat. Again, Eradicus has put his money on the wrong mooks. Then Nancy uses the Power of Love to heal Sonic and make him normal. Because apparently the Power of Love can fucking do everything. And… Alright, I have to bring up the poor grammar, don’t I?

Nancy thinks she’s about to die, but Sonic saves her life and tolds her Sam and Molly might not make it if they die

First off, tolds? Don’t you mean tells or told? Tolds isn’t even a word! And second, might not make it is another word for dying!They might not make it if they die is fucking redundant! What the hell do you think this is, Sonic? Fate/stay night?

Okay, so we have to wrap this up. It turns out this is a prequel to the Final Destination series and that Sam and Molly wind up on Flight 180, which was the plane that blew up in the first Final Destination film, further evidenced by Alex Browning getting kicked off the plane. So yeah, Molly dies on the plane. I’m sure those idiots made the right decision hiring Death to kill all of Molly’s friends and make sure he leaves Molly for the taking. Oh, but the stupidity doesn’t end there, we have to go beyond just stupid. Tails goes in his Blue Tornado, and instead of doing the right thing by trying to save as many lives as possible or extinguishing the flames on 180, he scrapes up some of Molly’s DNA to revive her as a hedgehog. Yeah. That’s the route they went with. When I read “Molly dies and comes back as a hedgehog”, I was expecting some sort of reincarnation bullcrap, especially since she’s the eighth out of seven Princesses of Heart and thus is entitled to some Mary Sue powers. But apparently, they decided to have this happen. Why they couldn’t just do this to save the others is anyone’s guess. I mean, you have cloning capabilities! You can do so much more! Miles Prower, you are as useless as Reed Richards.

And I’m pretty sure Molly would like living a new life as a hedgehog recolor right as her old life full of promises and happiness was robbed from her by someone who doesn’t like to be cheated. Oh, and yeah, about that, Sonic and his friends do realize that this might cause Death to go after them, right? I mean, if the Flight 180 disaster was him just cleaning up two people from his previous massacre, imagine what would happen when he realizes that one of the two made it out alive.

All and all, this crossover was stupid. A few ideas were interesting, like Death Sonic, but a lot of it was just an idiot plot. I mean, was it that necessary to have Death be some guy that gets hired to do the dirty work? I personally give it a 2 out of 5. It gets a mercy point for a rather interesting, yet unfleshed, idea of having the hero have a hand behind the killings, yet not really explaining what is up with that.

This is Psyga, and I’ll see you next time.

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