Heck No Pooh's Adventures

http://poohadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Pooh%27s_Adventures_of_2001:_A_Space_Odyssey

So I’m kind of drunk at the moment, and I decided to finally go and vandalize the Pooh’s Adventures wiki with that 2001 thing I mentioned a few weeks ago. Go take a look at it before the mods take it down and/or send me poorly-capitalized death threats.

PoohMod: They erased it, so click Read More for what used to be there. Spoilers, obviously.

Pooh’s Adventures of 2001: A Space Odyssey

2001: A Space Odyessy is widely considered to be one of the greatest films of all time and Stanely Kubrick's magnum opus; a cinematographic masterpiece rife with symbolism and a modern-day epic in both length and scope.

Naturally, the only way to improve such a groundbreaking film is to edit in clips random characters pointing out the obvious with no soundtrack.

Part I: Pooh’s Adventures of The Dawn of Man

A tribe of herbivorous early hominids forage for food in the African desert. Suddenly, the tribe encounters our heroes: Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Rabbit, Piglet, Kanga, Roo, Eeyore, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, the annoying pink one, Mewtwo, Pinocchio, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Woody, Buzz, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Ash Ketchum, Misty, Brock, Spock, Killer Croc, Doc Ock,  a clock, Gobo Fraggle, Boober Fraggle, the Doozers, Bumblebee, Finn, Jake, the Ice King, the Chicken Lady, the Man with a Cabbage for a Head, Gavin, Jerry, Kramer, Elaine, George, Neuman, the Soup Nazi, the bouzouki band from that one Monty Python sketch about the cheese shop (classic comedy, that), and the 1981 Brooklyn Dodgers. All of them introduce themselves to the protohumans in a soundtrackless introduction scene that takes approximately 45 minutes of the film’s runtime and adds nothing to the plot. It’s also never made clear how exactly our wacky group of lovable heroes traveled back in time to the Paleolithic era, but, well… shut up.

Just after Pooh and the gang settle in with the hominids, a leopard attacks, killing one member of the tribe, and another tribe drives our heroes away from a water hole. Disparaged, everyone takes shelter in a crater, and awakes the next morning to find a gigantic black monolith has appeared overnight. The protohumans panic at the sight; screeching and jumping up and down, they eventually work up the courage to approach the alien artifact and touch it cautiously. Pooh and the gang, meanwhile, realize vast and inscrutable beings exist in a realm of perception far above their own, capable of wielding great and terrible power to shape the destinies of worlds, and that their own hopes and ambitions- nay, their very existences, are nothing but specks of dust in the cold emptiness of the cosmos. One of the australopithecines comes to discover that he can use the bones of dead animals as weapons, and bludgeons a rival tribe leader to death. This shocking display of primitive violence- the first nascent seedlings of our own xenophobia and violent ways- strips Pooh and Piglet of their innocence, forcing them to witness the beginning of warfare and hatred among the human race, leaving them bitter and jaded, except that this is Pooh’s Adventures, so nothing deep or philosophical happens at all.

Triumphantly, the hominid leader hurls his bone weapon into the air, where in the most famous match cut in cinematographic history, the bone becomes a spaceship.

Then Tigger makes a stupid joke.

Part II: Pooh’s Adventures of TMA-I

Pooh and the gang meet Dr. Heywood Floyd, chairman of the National Council of Astronautics and taking a trip to the moon. While aboard the space station orbiting earth, Pooh meets his friends from the Island of Sodor; Thomas, Edward, James, Percy, Gordon, Henry, Toby, Duck, Skarloey, Rheneas, Sir Handel, Peter Sam (the coolest engine in the show), and whatever lame characters from the terrible CGI TV series that the producers are trying to shill. (It’s never made clear how exactly heavy industries on Sodor have managed to stay afloat, considering that their industrial transports are continually running off to go have adventures with talking animals in another dimension, but that's something else entirely.) Everyone gets on the ship to Tycho base, although, it’s not actually made clear how the engines fit on the ship, or how they can move around without rails, or where they’re getting their coal and water from (since liquids would boil away and combustion couldn’t happen) or anything that would make some kind of logical sense. This is why it’s really darn hard to try and shoehorn talking trains into a film that doesn’t explicitly involve railways playing a major role in the plot. 

Pooh and everyone else travel with Floyd to Tycho Base, where they discover another monolith identical to the one in the Paleolithic era. Suddenly, the monolith sends an eerie radio signal out to Jupiter.

Part III: Pooh’s Adventures of Jupiter, and Beyond

18 months later, all 30+ characters have managed to somehow become trained astronauts on a pioneering mission aboard the Discovery, the first manned flight to Jupiter in human history. Aboard with them are two astronauts: Frank Poole and Dave Bowman, and the guiding control system referred to as HAL 9000.

HAL reports that the AE-35 antennae is malfunctioning. Everyone is worried if HAL could be malfunctioning, but he blames it on human error; Pooh, Frank, and Dave hold a conversation in the ship’s pod bay and decide to shut off HAL if he continues malfunctioning. But HAL is reading their lips, and for some reason he’s joined forces with Bowser, Ursula, the Devious Diesel, that guy from My Little Pony who talked like Q, Evil Abraham Lincoln and I don’t know, Darth Vader, or something.

Frank, Toby, Duck, Skarloey, Rheneas, Sir Handel, Peter Sam, Mewtwo, Pinocchio, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Woody, Buzz, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Ash Ketchum, Misty, Brock, Spock, Killer Croc, Doc Ock,  a clock, Gobo Fraggle, Boober Fraggle, the Doozers, Bumblebee, Finn, Jake, the Ice King, and the Chicken Lady all go on an EVA mission to repair the antenna before it fails. However, HAL takes control of the space pod and uses it to kill all of them, which not only showcases the frighteningly cold, sociopathic side of an utterly inhuman enemy, but it also makes it way easier to keep track of all the characters.

Everyone else goes outside to try and retrieve the bodies, but HAL and the other evil characters manage to seal the pod bay doors shut, stranding them outside. Bowman and Pooh make an unprotected EVA into an emergency door,  but the others are not so lucky and asphyxiate one by one, even the engines, for some reason (do anthropomorphic locomotives need to breathe through their mouths to oxygenate? Discuss amongst yourselves). With no other recourse, Pooh and Dave head into HAL’s central processor core and slowly kill him by disconnecting his logic modules, but not before an exciting fight with the other evil characters that we only get to see in a three-second Flash animation using bad clip art and is immediately forgotten about.

With no other recourse, the only two surviving characters rendezvous with a gigantic monolith orbiting at the Jovian Lagrange point. What follows is widely considered to be one of the most iconic scenes in the movie, Pooh and Dave are hurled beyond human comprehension as the ominous choral music builds to a final climax.

The film ends with Pooh trapped in a hotel room alone; rapidly aging through his lifespan before meeting the Monolith once more, as an elderly bear. Pooh evolves into a new form of being in the film’s final scene; a gigantic bear-shaped fetus that has evolved beyond the need for bad crossover films on YouTube. In the last shot of the movie, he hangs over the Earth, staring at it.

Trivia

• The initial idea for the story came from a short story by Arthur C. Clarke, called “The Sentinel”. However, it is very clear that this Pooh’s Adventures movie is the true realization of Clarke’s genius, not the lazy, shoddy film released in 1968.
• This is an episode of Pooh’s Adventures.
• Jerry Seinfeld had already met Pooh and his friends in the previous episode, “Pooh’s Adventures of Seinfeld”, where Pooh and his friends went to New York and engaged in meaningless adventures about nothing.
• Darth Vader met Spock in “Kirk’s Adventures of Star Wars,” which sounds really awesome, but it was actually pretty terrible.
• During the scene in prehistoric Africa, Eeyore mentions that the apes are engaging in some ultraviolence. This is a reference to the Pooh’s Adventures episode “Pooh’s Adventures of a Clockwork Orange”.
• Seriously, the more you think about anthropomorphic locomotives and their appearances in crossovers, the weirder and weirder the concept sounds.
• My head hurts.
• The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
• Some character met some other characters in another one of these things.
• I think I’m drunk.