Logan’s Adventures of Alien, part 1
In all my months of riffing Pooh’s Adventures, I’ve never tackled one that was written rather than edited. And, since Hewylewis is still writing his own adventures to this day, it would be right to tackle the worst thing he’s ever done until his Aliens crossover is complete. Ready? Logan’s Adventures of Alien.
In space no one can here you scream.
Heh heh.
*The scene opens in space, just above the yellow atmosphere of a strange and mysterious black planet. Slowly, several white hash marks appear on screen, forming letters. When completed, it read ‘Logan’s Adventures of Alien’*
That’s a lot of lines if you ask me.
Parker: The food is terrible.
Brett: Worst shit I’ve ever seen, man.
We’re just getting started, Brett.
*Meanwhile, another spacecraft emerges in space. A silvery walnut-shaped space craft. Inside, are at least three crew members and one of them control the piloting mechanisms on a chair. The crew consists of field leader, Logan; the pilot, Palladon; the co-pilot, and chief medic; Rae*
Rae’s most likely the only one of Benny’s bunch on the ship because she’s smexy. For fuck’s sake, Logan, stop living in your own zoophile fantasies.
Logan: *sighs* Some adventure this turned out to be. Maybe you guys shouldn’t have come with me…
Maybe you shouldn’t have met them in the first place.
Palladon: Nonsense! We weren’t just going to leave you out wandering the depths of space alone… Not without an expert.
Huh, yeah, an expert, exclusively in his dreams.
Logan: Great! Not only are we lost, but we’re also in the future.
Lost in time yet again? OH NO!
Palladon: And apparently so are the crew, if they’re trying to reach Antarctica… One of them sounds like a female crew member. They might need as much help as we do.
Logan: Okay, but as soon as we’re done, Max, get us back to the 21st century, got it?
How about have Max get you all back to the 21st century and get this all over and done with? If not, you’re going to ruin Ripley’s independence.
*The ship flies the team towards The Nostromo before they finally see the big ship itself. The team can’t help but marvel at it’s wondrous structure*
People like this.
Logan: *gestures toward Rae* Ladies first.
Rae: Why, thank you, Logan. You’re quite the gentleman.
Would now be the time for a shipping joke?
Parker: I think I know why they don’t come down here. It’s because of you. You don’t have no personality.
If you think Brett has no personality, wait until you bump into the incoming brony.
Rae: Wow, that was fast.
Parker: Hey… Who the hell are you, and how did you get in here?
More like, “Ha ha ha ha *faints*”.
Logan: *leans in close to whisper to Rae* Hey Rae. How come these guys aren’t freaking out the fact that you and Palladon are a talking panther and a talking lioness?
Rae: *whispers to Logan* It’s a special charm Benny put on all of us, so that when other people see us, we appear human to them.
Logan: *whispering* Oh.
Well, I’ll give Logan credit here - he and Benny at least explain most of the logic of their adventures. Doesn’t cure his insanity, though, because in this movie it’s absolutely fucking ridiculous.
Ripley: That’s right… *to Logan* Aren’t you a little young to be a space captain?
Logan: Hey, I may be young, but I’m highly experienced in the field of space travel, as is my crew.
“At least, when I’m not reviewing animated movies in real life.”
Palladon: At ease, Logan. You see, we’ve been trying to find our way back to Earth after our previous adventure. But we kind of got sent off course during our last hyper-jump. So we were wondering if you could help us.
Dallas: Well, we’d like to, but…we can’t.
Parker: What?
Yes!
Dallas: Mother’s interrupted the course of our journey.
Mother Nature? Because sooner or later they will have caused a paradox.
Rae: A rescue mission? I thought we were the ones in trouble.
Logan: Do we really have to do this?
Speak for yourself, Logan. You were the one who agreed to help out these people in the first place.
Logan: Doesn’t sound like any radio signal I’ve heard.
Logan: Never seen a planet like that before.
The only lines he’ll ever be saying on this journey, ladies and gentlemen.
(Source: hewylewis.deviantart.com)
