Logan’s Adventures of Alien, part 4
Brett: It shouldn’t damage the little bastard, unless its skin is a lot thinner than ours. But it will give him a little incentive.
Lambert: Now if we could only find it.
Rae: Or at least know where to start.
Remember - langauge!
Logan: *whispers* Keep your eyes peeled, guys. That…thing could be anywhere.
Rae: *whispers* Okay.
Palladon: *whispers* Logan, why are we whispering?
Logan: *whispers* So it won’t hear us… Duh. *looks at the tracker, nods down the passageway, then stops* Like working with a prehistoric cell phone.
…He met the Flintstones, didn’t he?
*Logan yanks it open and they jam their electric prods inside. A nerve-shattering squall echoes. Then a small creature comes flying out of the locker. Eyes glaring, claws flashing. Instinctively, they throw their net over it. Very annoyed, they open the net and release the captive. Which happens to be the cat. Hissing and spitting… It scampers off but not before knocking over Logan*
Logan: Hey! *falls over* Oof! Stupid cat! *turns to Palladon and Rae* No offense.
Palladon & Rae: None taken.
This story…
*Soon, it is revealed to be the tail of a large creature that lowers itself down from the undercarriage in a reverse position. It is the alien, all grown up. When Brett turns around, he is greeted by a horrifying sight. Vaguely bipedal in form, the Alien has a skeletal, biomechanical appearance colored in muted shades of black. It has a segmented, blade-tipped tail, the sharp tip initially a small, scorpion-like barb. It had an elongated, cylindrical skull, the top of the creature’s head translucent, with empty, human-looking eye sockets within. The creature also has webbed, six fingered hands. The worst kind of creature Brett had ever seen, so terrifying he was too scared to move. Suddenly, it grabs Brett, shoots a second set of jaws from its mouth into his chest and swings up into the darkness with its victim. Brett screams to no avail… In the doorway are Ripley and Logan’s groups as they rush in to witness the horror*
Ripley: Brett!!Logan: Brett!!
Rae: *eyes widen* Oh my god… Oh my god…
Just be thankful that it’s going to ignore you guys.
Logan: Crud!
Just leave this ship already.
Dallas: No. You and Ash…take the main air lock. Parker, Lambert, Logan, Palladon and Rae, you cover up that maintenance opening, please.
Dallas: Parker? Lambert? Rae? Logan? Palladon?
This is what happens when there’s too many characters.
Logan: Dallas!!
Palladon: Dallas!!
*There is nothing but silence on the other end*
Rae: *eyes widen* Oh my god…
What’s a Pooh’s Adventure without repetition?
Ripley: That’s the only way. We’ll move in groups. We’ll go step by step and cut off every bulkhead and every vent until we have it cornered, and then we’ll blow it the fuck out into space. Is that acceptable to you?
Logan: I’m in.
Rae: So are we.
Language! Gosh!
*Ripley can’t believe what she reads.
Neither can I.
*Palladon lands a karate chop on Ash’s right shoulder, causing him to spurt white liquid from his mouth and let go of Ripley.
People like this.
He then twitches uncontrollably against the wall, limbs flailing and spouting off random nonsense as if he were a mad animal about to attack*
Put some emphasis there on “mad animal”.
Logan: *summons his keyblade* Don’t worry! I got him!
Parker: *sees the keyblade* The hell did that come from
Rae: Yeah, Logan! Get him! Knock his block off!
*Logan lifts the keyblade back, swings it directly at Ash’s head and… Wallop! Tears his head off… Wires ascending from Ash’s trunk where his head used to be*
PROFESSIONAL ANIMATION CRITIC.
Logan: Oh you've…
Rae: Got to be…
Palladon: Freaking…
Logan, Palladon & Rae: KIDDING ME!!!
Here Logan’s stealing TGWTG jokes again.
Ripley: *pause* Let’s find out. Wire him back up?
Logan, Palladon & Rae: WHAT?!
*fills in his bingo card*
Ripley: Ash, can you hear me?
*There is no response from Ash. In frustration, Logan slams his fists onto the table, next to Ash’s head and shouts*
Logan: ASH!!!
This is what happens when you let an angry reviewer join your team.
Ash: A perfect organism. It’s structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.
A misuse and a correct use of “it’s vs. its” in the same sentence?
Rae: But Ripley, even if we could use the shuttle, I don’t think we can all fit in there.
Had this been Pooh’s Adventures of Alien, every single one of them would fit.
*Palladon fires the flamethrower all over Ash’s body and around his head, melting every inch of skin revealing even more circuitry as Palladon burns the body to a crisp*
Ash just got burned by a talking panther. People like this.
Palladon: *throws the gun away* Now… It’s done. Right now. We need food, spare oxygen, anything we can use and get off before the alien finds us again.
Logan: If it does… *tightly grips his keyblade* we’ll be ready for it.
Put that goddamn thing down.
(Source: hewylewis.deviantart.com)
